If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
