nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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