He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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