i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
