I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
