I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
