went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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