Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
