Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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