she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
