Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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