He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
