i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
