You're so nebulous sometimes
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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