smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
