She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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