My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
