true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
