can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
