Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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