I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just blew my weed a kiss
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
