So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
