Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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