Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
