He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
