also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
