is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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