i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
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Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
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