tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
