Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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