Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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