I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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