I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
