And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
