im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
