Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
