I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
