worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
