you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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