and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
