if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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