allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
