I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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