Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
