They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
