how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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