So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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