2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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