You really coming over, don't trick.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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