I'm gonna have a badass scar
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you never un-have a 4some
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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