I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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