You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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