it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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