I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
